Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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