clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
