i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
