david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
