i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
