I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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