life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
