every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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