Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
