idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
