I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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