I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
