She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
