I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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