I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
