The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
