if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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