i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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