I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
