so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
