and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We had sex on a dog bed..
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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