I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
