I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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