I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Enjoy the penises
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
