someone threw a dead crab at me
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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