I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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