Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
