Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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