When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
