Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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