Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
