so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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