If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
