Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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