i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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