Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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