she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
