I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
