i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
