Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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