we're chasing vodka with high fives
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
