Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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