I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
