Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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