Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
