is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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