I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
