Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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