She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
