dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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