sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
