his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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