my being single is dangerous.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
