I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
