and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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