I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
