Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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